Jim McMillen's Blog

06

A recent photo article in the local Gainesville Sun noted that 399 University of Florida student poppers have unofficially broken the world record for being the most people popping bubble wrap at the same time. That is impressive. Most of all, it is important, VERY IMPORTANT, because it broke the pending-for-approval Guinness world record of 368 bubble poppers. However, it is even much more important for another reason that I’ll get to later. The participants gathered in the grand ballroom of UF’s Reitz Student Union and spent two exciting minutes popping plastic bubble wrap--some by hand but mostly by stomping countless rows of the stuff on the floor. Perhaps some were gnashing bubble wrap in their teeth for all I know.

I should insert that The Gainesville Sun is a newspaper dedicated to covering Florida Gator sports, keeping strict tabs on a congressman named Yoho, and promoting the conversion of streets and roads into bicycle lanes, so there will be no place to drive cars. 

As for bubble-wrap popping, naturally it should bring one to think of having a glass of wine, since medical science has stated that a little wine is good for the heart.

And, that of course, brings us to immigration and the brilliant immigration policy our brilliant wizards in Washington D.C. have given us. (If I’ve lost you, read on.)

Getting back to the bubble-wrap stompers at the University of Florida--here’s another reason why the feat (or should it be “feet”) is even more important than the spectacular record-breaking performance. Perhaps, you guessed it: winemaking. Due to our government’s infamous immigration policy, there has to be a shortage of grape-stompers in the wine industry. So why not create a new degree major for these highly-skilled students? The initial semester could involve bubble-wrap courses, later progressing to real grapes.

“Hello Waldo. What’s up?”

“Dad, could you send another fifty bucks? I need...”

“This is the third time you’ve called for money since you enrolled last week.”

“Yeah Dad, I know, but...”

“You should know that I mortgaged the house to the max to send you to UF. We just don’t have money growing on trees. By the way, Waldo, did you decide on a major?”

“I did, Dad. It’s the latest great thing -- something that should put me in great demand when I graduate.”

“Wonderful. What is it?”

“It’s a major called Pedagraculture.”

“What the hell is...?

“Dad, I’ve gotta go. I’ll explain it the next time I’m home. And don’t forget the fifty bucks.”

By now you should know why the bubble-wrap stomping record is so important. College graduates are finding harder than ever to get a good job. But not Waldo and his fellow Pedagraculture majors. I’m certain they will be highly recruited by Napa Valley and other winemaking regions.

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